Zee Zee Uncorked: Nicotine for the Emotionally Neutered

aka My Accidental Foray into the Cult of Zyn

I didn’t even know what the hell Zyn was until this morning.

Apparently, there’s some internet panic about these little nicotine pouches called Zyn. They’re smokeless, spitless, practically invisible. You tuck one under your lip, wait for the buzz, and boom - you’re addicted, but in a very quiet and non-threatening way.

Cigarettes were sexy. Vapes were dumb, but at least they lit up and smelled like a gumball machine.

Zyn? Zyn is nothing. No smell. No taste. No ritual. No vibe.

Just a little white pillow dissolving slowly into your face while you pretend it means something.

Just a ghost buzz and a plastic tin that makes your pocket look like you’re smuggling hockey pucks.

It’s trendy.

It’s discreet.

It’s everywhere, especially among young men who treat emotional suppression like a competitive sport.

I had to Google it twice just to make sure it wasn’t a fake product invented by The Onion. But no, Zyn is real. So real, in fact, that the internet has spun itself into a full-blown nicotine identity crisis over it.

Is it masculine? Is it lame? Is it dangerous? Is it safe? Is it a personality?

Jesus Christ, it’s a mouth pouch. Calm down.

Fuck, I don’t need a nicotine identity crisis. I need something to stick in my mouth every fifteen minutes so I don’t punch the air.

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Coming soon from West Tower Press & Emotional Support Industries:

Mouthing Off™

The Official Non-Habit-Forming Habit mouth pouch

Because sometimes you just need to shut your damn mouth with style.

Flavors include:

• Scornberry – tastes like disappointment and your third divorce.

• Menopause Mojito – lime, mint, and a hint of heat flash.

• Black Coffee Regret – bold, bitter, unapologetic.

• Peppermint Petty – freshens breath, sharpens insults.

• Nicotine‑Free Numb – because all your therapists retired.

Discreet, dissolvable, and absolutely unqualified to solve your problems.

But hey, it keeps your hands busy and your mouth out of trouble.

No vape cloud. No judgment. No secret Reddit group.

Available at checkout counters, glove boxes, and your ex-husband’s sock drawer.

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Note: Mouthing Off™ is not FDA‑approved, therapist‑recommended, or mother‑endorsed.

But it won’t kill you—and that’s more than we can say about 90% of what’s trending this week.